


Gravity

by Saranghae



Series: Demons [1]
Category: DBSK|Tohoshinki|TVXQ
Genre: Angst, Bromance, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Violence, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-18
Updated: 2013-04-18
Packaged: 2017-12-08 20:06:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/765468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saranghae/pseuds/Saranghae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Fine, I get it. No drinking, smoking, clubbing or slutting around for Shim Changmin. Only watching chick flicks and attempting not to go insane. Should be fun.” {Prequel to On Top of the World. Changmin reacts to the split in the most violent, earth shattering way possible and Yunho has to pick up the pieces.}</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gravity

**Author's Note:**

> This is a prequel to On Top of the World, in which it is mentioned that Changmin struggled with depression and self-harm. This is the story of how it started and how bad it really was.
> 
> I tried writing this with Changmin's as the focus but it felt too... raw. Changmin is extremely bipolar in this fic and it was a little hard to follow while writing so I'm sure it would have been harder to understand if you were reading it without knowing what's going on already. Having Yunho as the focus lets us see what Changmin is like from someone else's point of view but since they're so close, we still get the raw emotions. I hope at least.

It started with smoking and drinking.

“Changmin. You don't smoke.”

Yunho frowned at Changmin, watching the puff of smoke waft into the air. Changmin's bloodshot eyes turned towards Yunho, looking at him blankly.

“Watch me,” Changmin hissed moodily, taking another drag and tapping the cigarette on the ashtray.

Yunho sat down on the couch beside Changmin, looking him up and down. He was wearing nothing but sweatpants and a fluffy white throw, wrapped securely inside the cocoon of a blanket. He flipped the page of his book, which was propped neatly on top of his lap. He picked up the glass on the table and took a sip. Well, it didn't exactly qualify as a glass.

“Are you drinking out of a jar?” Yunho asked, eyebrow raised. Changmin shrugged one shoulder, dislodging his blanket a little.

“Nothing else was clean,” he said nonchalantly.

Yunho narrowed his eyes at the goldish brown liquid in the jar. “What are you drinking, anyways? Iced tea?”

Changmin picked up the jar again, taking another sip and hissing softly. “Not sure. Brandy or scotch or something else equally as strong and delicious.”

Yunho blinked at Changmin. “Changmin, you don't even really _like_ alcohol,” he said in disbelief. “You almost hate it as much as Jun--”

Yunho closed his mouth quickly. Changmin's glare almost burnt a hole through him.

“We don't mention them, Yunho. Especially by name.”

Yunho looked down at his hands and nodded, turning away from the younger man—who glared at the side of Yunho's head for a moment longer before going back to his book with another puff of smoke.

It had only been 4 weeks since TVXQ's 5 had become 2 and 3. Yunho still couldn't really wrap his head around it. He hadn't spoken to Jaejoong at all and they were still technically mid fight. He hated fighting with Jaejoong. Their fights always lasted for days or longer. This was definitely the longest fight they'd ever had.

Yunho couldn't help but blame himself for the way things had turned out. Maybe if he'd apologized to Jaejoong then he would have stayed. Maybe Jaejoong would have been able to convince Yoochun and Junsu to stay too. They didn't have much longer until their contracts were up. Only a couple years. When their contracts expired they could move on, start over somewhere else as the 5 of them without any hassle that came with lawsuits.

Yunho ran a hand irritably through his hair and sighed, snagging the rest of the cigarette out of Changmin's hand and sucking back the last drag. He exhaled slowly and put out the butt before standing from the couch.

Changmin still had his hand in the position it had been while holding the cigarette. He glared at Yunho blankly, following him with his eyes.

“Why yes, Yunho, of course you can have the rest of my cigarette, thank you for asking,” he said deadpan, letting his hand fall down onto the couch.

Yunho glared back. He had had just about enough of Changmin's attitude.

“Shut up,” he snapped, walking into his room and slamming the door.

* * *

“Would you stop doing that?” Yunho snapped, slapping Changmin's hand away from his wrist.

Changmin blinked in surprised, unaware he'd been doing anything he shouldn't have been.

“You keep scratching your wrists. If you continue to do that, you're going to break the skin.”

Changmin looked down at his wrists, seeing how red and raw they'd become.

“Oh,” Changmin responded. “Sorry.”

He tucked his hands under his thighs so he couldn't do anything with them and tried to concentrate on what their manager was saying to them. Yunho could tell he was in a different place entirely.

* * *

“You look like shit,” Yunho said when he looked up from his movie to watch Changmin walk in from the front hall.

“Watch it,” Changmin said monotone. “You're flirting again.”

Yunho wrinkled his nose when Changmin walked past him to get to the kitchen. “You smell like shit too. Where the hell have you been for the last 6 hours?”

Changmin yanked open the fridge and bent over so he could stick his head inside. “Out,” was his only answer.

Yunho frowned and stood from the couch after pausing his movie.

“Min, just because we're not really... active right now doesn't mean that you can go running off for hours on end to do god knows what. You _do_ still have a job you know.”

Changmin came back out of the fridge to glare at Yunho. “I can do whatever I fucking want to do, thanks,” he snapped, grabbing a beer out of the fridge door and snapping the top off with the bottle opener—tossing the cap and opener into the sink with a loud _clang._

Yunho stared at Changmin with wide eyes and took a step closer to him, sniffing a little.

“Fuck,” he breathed. “Changmin, you smell like you've been rolling in alcohol.”

He looked Changmin up and down, taking in his untidy hair, his unbuttoned jeans and the fact that he had failed to do his shirt back up properly, having missed a couple of the buttons so that it was lopsided.

“Changmin... did you have sex?”

Changmin didn't even spare him a glance, just chugged about half the beer and rummaged in the fridge some more for something to eat.

“Yup,” he said plainly. “She was cute too. A virgin. I'm not to certain if she was legal or not, but it doesn't matter. No one's going to believe her if she tells anyways.” He pulled a Tupperware container out of the bottom shelf and inspected the underside with narrow eyes, checking for contamination.

Yunho just stood there with wide eyes and his mouth hanging open, unable to believe what he was hearing.

“What?” Changmin asked, finally looking at Yunho after deciding that the leftovers weren't poisonous. He placed the container on the counter loudly and fished in the drawer for a fork before popping the lid. “I would give you all the gory details, but I'm sure that I would just disgust you,” he said dramatically. “There's far too much pussy in my sex life to turn _your_ crank.”

That seemed to snap Yunho back to reality.

“ _Changmin!_ ” he shouted, scandalized.

Changmin jumped a little, almost dropping his beer.

“ _What?_ ” he spat, glaring angrily.

“You... I can't believe... How could you... _What were you thinking?_ ” Yunho struggled to find words, not able to really finish a sentence.

Changmin raised an eyebrow and cocked his hip to the side in a slightly sassy manor. “I _wasn't_ thinking. I was _drunk._ ”

Yunho frowned in disapproval. “You're still drunk,” he said, crossing his arms.

Changmin snorted through a mouthful of fried rice. “Just figured that out, have you?”

Yunho shook his head. “You can't be doing stuff like that. What will the fans think? You've started smoking, drinking, clubbing... you're supposed to be setting an example, Changmin.”

Changmin looked over his shoulder at Yunho and raked his eyes up and down Yunho's body.

“Yeah, because you're the picture of innocence; he who smokes, drinks and fucks pretty boys.”

“Changmin,” Yunho said warningly, giving him a stern look. Changmin threw his hands up in the air in surrender before putting the leftovers away and downing the rest of his beer.

“Fine, I get it. No drinking, smoking, clubbing or slutting around for Shim Changmin. Only watching chick flicks and attempting not to go insane. Should be fun.”

Changmin dropped his beer bottle in the recycling and pushed past Yunho to head over to his bedroom. He closed the door—a little louder than necessary—before poking his head out again.

“Oh, and by the way?” he added in a mock cheerful voice. “Taking my pleasures away from me only means that we get to spend more time together.” His expression turned dark. “Good fucking luck.”

Yunho blinked in astonishment when Changmin slammed the door again, leaving Yunho standing alone in the middle of the kitchen.

What on earth was going on with his maknae?

* * *

There were stages to this, Yunho learned very quickly.

The first stage had been finding bad habits to binge on.

The second had been binging on them until Changmin was so drunk and exhausted that he would pass out in the living room for most of the night. Even despite Yunho's warnings, Changmin still spent most of his free time out on his own. He would come home drunk and smelling of sex with a cigarette between his lips.

The third was the anger. Random bursts of aggression that he took out on anyone within a 10 mile radius. Since it was usually just him and Yunho, Yunho was almost always the blunt of his rage. It would always involve lots of screaming and throwing things and sometimes he would even get physical, shoving Yunho or hitting him. It was never anything that would leave a mark but Yunho could feel little pieces of himself being torn away with each of Changmin's fits.

The fourth stage, the stage that Yunho had just recently discovered as a stage but not recently noticed, was the scratching.

Yunho noticed Changmin scratching the insides of his wrists after his screaming fits or when he was distracted. He suspected Changmin didn't even notice he was doing it because every time that Changmin looked down at his wrists and saw the bright red patches of skin he would look shocked and scared. Yunho didn't know what he was supposed to do. He didn't know what was wrong. He didn't know how to fix this.

It was things like that—seeing Changmin struggling internally at seeing the harm he'd done to himself or watching him slowly digressing into an alcoholic—that had Yunho wishing the others were there. He couldn't do this alone. He couldn't help Changmin and still do everything else that needed to get done. There simply weren't enough hours in the day and it was driving him insane.

He needed help on this one, but he didn't know who he could talk to about it.

* * *

“Hyung, you are the only person I've told about this,” Yunho urged, grabbing hold of Heechul's arm hard. “You can't tell anyone about it.”

Heechul was staring at his friend in shock, blinking rapidly.

“Are...” Heechul began before looking around him to check that no one was listening in from where they sat at the back of a secluded bar.

“Are you serious?” he hissed, leaning in close. “Yunho, this is bad. That kind of behaviour... It's so unlike him. I mean, Changmin has always been really passionate, but never like this. Never to this extent. Wasn't he a _virgin_ before all this shit happened?”

Yunho frowned and nodded. “I _thought_ so,” he said, rubbing his forehead. “But Heechul-ah, he hates drinking, he hates smoking. He hates crowds, so I have no idea why he's clubbing. He's a stupid romantic under it all so the fact that he's basically whoring himself out is really unsettling. He's never been violent before. Never. He hates fighting. Everything he's doing is so, _so_ unlike him. I'm terrified, hyung.”

Heechul shook his head, deep in thought.

“Yunho, I think he's acting out.”

Yunho raised an eyebrow. “What, like when _toddlers_ act out to get attention?”

Heechul made a face. “Not exactly but similar. I mean... the way he's acting... it definitely seems like it's because of the lawsuit and the others leaving. Changmin isn't a child, but he's not exactly an adult either. Well, he _wasn't_ until now. He's was forced to grow up in about 2 hours and it's backfired. He's used to being surrounded by his hyungs, who love him and take care of him. Now he just has you and even though you love him and take care of him, you're hurting too so you can't give him all the attention he's used to getting. It's most likely subconscious for him and he probably doesn't even know why he's acting this way either, but you want my advice?”

Yunho nodded eagerly, his head swimming with everything Heechul was telling him.

“Get him a therapist.”

Heechul drained the last of his vodka and stood from the table, slipping on his coat.

“I have an interview in half an hour. I've got to go before my manager bites my head off.”

He paused as he walked past his younger friend, placing a hand on Yunho's shoulder. “He's going to get past this, Yunho, but he's going to need all your support.”

Yunho watched Heechul go until he was out the door before groaning loudly and letting his head fall onto the table with a _thunk_.

 _Getting_ him a therapist wouldn't be a problem. Getting him to _go_ to said therapist was a different matter entirely.

Yunho stared at the ice cubes in his brandy and wondered who's bed Changmin was sharing right now.

* * *

“Mr. Shim?”

Yunho watched as Changmin's head lifted from his computer to stare at the person who had addressed him. His gaze narrowed before it shifted to Yunho, who was standing beside their guest.

Changmin flicked his cigarette into the ashtray.

“Speaking,” he said, snidely. “To whom do I own this pleasure?”

Yunho stepped forwards to do the introductions.

“Changmin-ah, this is Lee Soomi,” he said, gesturing to the pretty middle-aged woman in a grey skirt and simple white blouse. “She's... she's a psychologist.”

Changmin's eyes went as wide as saucers and he started shaking his head furiously, standing from the armchair so quickly that it moved backwards loudly on the wood floor.

“No,” he said forcefully. “No, no, no. You got me a fucking _shrink?_ I don't need no damn therapist, alright? I'm sorry to have wasted your time, Miss... whatever the fuck your name was, but you can leave. I'm sure you can find your way to the door.” He bowed his head sharply and started to walk towards his bedroom at lightning speed.

Yunho beat him there, blocking Changmin's way to the door.

“Changmin, please, you need to talk to someone about this, okay?”

Changmin just kept shaking his head, staring hard at the floor so that his bangs covered his eyes.

“Nope, no, don't need it. Good day and good night.” He tried to push past Yunho but Yunho caught him fast, holding his wrists rightly. Changmin had taken to wearing long sleeved shirts to hide the red marks.

“Min, come on. Please. Just one session. If it doesn't work then we don't have to keep doing it but you have to try. Please, Changmin. You're scaring me.”

His words seemed to have the wrong effect on Changmin. Instead of calming down, he got angry.

“Let go of me, you asshole!” Changmin screamed, breaking his wrist free of Yunho's hold and bringing his hand across Yunho's face, backhanding him so hard that Yunho stumbled backwards against the door and released Changmin's other hand.

The response to the slap was different from each of the people in the room.

Soomi gasped loudly and put her hand over her heart in shock.

Yunho's eyes went wide and he lifted a shaking hand to touch his split lip, drawing his fingers back to stare at the blood.

Changmin screamed. It was a short scream, quick and horrified before his hands slapped over his mouth. He stared at Yunho with huge round eyes and started to shake violently.

Yunho looked up and met his eyes. He saw the tears threatening to break free. Changmin suddenly jumped into action, trying to push his way past Yunho again to get into his room. When Yunho didn't budge he turned and ran the other way, yanking the door to Yunho's room open and slamming it behind him. By the time Yunho had reached the door, Changmin had already locked it.

Yunho could hear Changmin sobbing on the other side of the door.

Yunho tried desperately to open the door.

He turned to look at Soomi, who looked very serious. “Could you... I'm sorry, but could you leave? Maybe we could try this again. When I've... when I've warmed him up to the idea. I just need to be alone with him so I can calm him down.”

Soomi looked like she wanted to protest but she nodded and picked up her bag.

“I will call you tomorrow, Mr. Jung,” she said, turning towards the door. “And we _will_ try this again, because believe you me, that boy needs help.”

She left the apartment with a click of the front door.

Yunho looked back at his bedroom door and jiggled the handle again.

“Changmin-ah?” he whispered softly. “Min-ah, please let me in. Please, I'm not angry. It's alright. I'm fine, you didn't hurt me. Please open the door, Changmin.”

Changmin didn't answer, just continued his muffled sobs.

Yunho swore under his breath and moved towards the entrance hall. He rummaged through drawer in the hall table until he found what he was looking for.

Moving back to the door, he slipped the key into the lock and gently turned it. The door clicked unlocked. He could hear Changmin scrambling inside but Yunho quickly opened the door before he could try and lock it again. He shut the door behind him and looked around the room. He couldn't see Changmin anywhere.

Frowning, he walked further into the room, peeking into the closet and under the covers. “Changmin?” he called softly, trying to figure out where Changmin could have disappeared to.

He looked down at the bed as he heard soft hiccups. He smiled sadly, ignoring the twinge it caused in his split lip. He lowered himself to his hands and knees and lifted the bed skirt, peeking underneath.

“Changdol-ah,” he breathed affectionately, staring at Changmin's curled form under the bed. “Come on out. It's alright.”

Changmin shook his head, his tears flowing freely from his eyes and his hands still covering his mouth.

Yunho just stared at Changmin sadly before laying down on his side and tucking the bed skirt up under the mattress so that he could see Changmin and have his hands free.

“I'm going to stay here until you come out, you know,” he breathed, smiling kindly.

Changmin's big doe eyes scanned Yunho's face.

Slowly, like an injured wild animal, Changmin inched his way out from under the bed towards Yunho. Yunho stayed perfectly still, laying where he was.

When Changmin couldn't move any farther out from under the bed because Yunho was in the way, he wrapped his arms tightly around Yunho's body and held him close.

“I'm sorry,” he whispered through his tears. “I'm so sorry. So, so sorry. Please don't hate me.”

He choked on another sob and buried his face in Yunho's chest.

Yunho held Changmin close, arms wrapped securely around his body.

“I could never hate you, Changmin,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of Changmin's head. “Never ever.”

Changmin cried quietly into Yunho's shirt until he'd practically cried himself to sleep. He hiccuped occasionally or whimpered softly, clinging loosely to Yunho still. Yunho slid his fingers slowly through Changmin's hair, kissing the top of his head at random times and humming softly to try and calm him.

Yunho felt Changmin's breathing become more even. He'd fallen into a restless sleep, fingers refusing to let go of Yunho's shirt.

Yunho smiled sadly and shifted so that he could get onto his knees. He lifted Changmin into his arms and hoisted him onto the bed. Changmin made a soft murmuring noise but didn't wake and didn't let Yunho go. Yunho tucked Changmin in and sighed, trying to detach the younger man from his shirt.

Changmin whimpered softly.

“Don't leave me,” he breathed in his sleep, tightening his grip.

Yunho stared down at Changmin with wide eyes. His gut twisted. Why did he feel like Changmin was talking about the bigger picture and not just right now?

Yunho slid into bed beside Changmin and held him close again, Changmin snuggled close against his chest.

“I'd never abandon you, don't worry,” Yunho whispered, fighting to hold in his emotions.

Stage five. Breakdown.

* * *

Yunho woke up to someone poking his face.

It was a little strange, to open his eyes and see Changmin's big brown eyes looking at him instead of Jaejoong. He was so used to waking up with Jaejoong. He felt his chest constrict a little knowing that Jaejoong would likely never share his bed again.

He forced a smile. Changmin poked his face again.

“Goodmorning,” he whispered, capturing Changmin's fingers.

They stayed silent for a moment, just looking at each other. Changmin's face was rather close...

“If you try and kiss me, I'm hitting you again,” Changmin said, looking completely serious.

Yunho was startled into loud laughter, turning away from Changmin and covering his mouth to try and muffle the sounds. He winced in between laughs, his lip stinging something fierce.

“Oh, god, you're adorable,” Yunho said, finally getting a hold on his laughter.

Changmin pouted dramatically, only adding to the adorable factor.

Yunho reached out and slid his fingers through Changmin's hair. “Feeling better?”

Changmin's pout turned more sincere and he nodded. “A little,” he whispered, touching Yunho's split lip very gently with the tip of his finger.

“I'm sorry,” he whispered, pulling his hand back to his chest and curling up a little.

Yunho shook his head. “No, don't worry about it. I'm fine.”

The silence enveloped them again and again it was Changmin who broke it.

“Okay,” he said softly, looking at his hands. “I'll go see her.”

Yunho blinked, slightly startled. He'd figured it would take at least a little bribing to get him to go see Soomi.

“You sure?” Yunho asked, tilting his head to the side.

Changmin nodded and slowly started to scratch at his wrist through his sleeve while he worried his lip.

Yunho reached out instantly and grabbed Changmin's hands, pulling them away from each other. “Stop,” he said gently. Changmin looked at his wrists and blushed.

“Sorry,” he said softly. “I don't realize I'm doing it. I don't mean to.”

He met Yunho's eyes, still chewing at his lip. “Yunho-ah...” he started before closing his mouth and slowly pulling his hands away from Yunho's.

Yunho frowned. “What is it, Changmin?”

Changmin peeked at Yunho through his fringe. He took a deep breath and slowly pushed his sleeves back with shaking fingers.

Yunho's eyes went wide as he stared at the scratch marks. He'd broken skin, Yunho could see the scabs.

“Changmin-ah,” he whispered, his voice breaking a little as his chest tightened. “Oh, Min. I wish I could help you. I wish I could take all your demons away.”

Yunho took both Changmin's wrists and kissed each of the scabs before pulling Changmin into a tight hug and burying his face in Changmin's neck.

“I'm sorry,” Yunho breathed, still pretty choked up. “I know it's hard for you. You deserve so much better than what I can offer you. I know it's not enough. I wish I could help you get better.”

Yunho pulled back and brushed Changmin's bangs out of his face. Changmin was blushing fiercely but he didn't comment on the sappiness of their conversation.

“You mean everything to me, Changmin, and I'm going to do everything in my power to make you happy again. I love you, little brother.”

That seemed to be as much sap as Changmin could take. He made a face, his cheeks darkening considerably.

“Yeah, yeah,” he muttered, brushing his hair behind his ear. He chewed his lips for a couple seconds before nodding. “Me too.”

Yunho smiled. Coming from Changmin, that was as good as gold.

* * *

“I do not need help bathing, hyung,” Changmin said irritably, blushing darkly as Yunho drew the bath.

Yunho chuckled and turned around, arms crossed.

“Soomi said that you shouldn't be left alone in situations where you could do something... damaging.”

Changmin glared weakly and fiddled with the hem of his shirt. “You mean situations where I could try and kill myself,” he said, shifting his gaze to his feet.

Yunho sighed and rubbed the back of his head. “Changmin, I know that you're not suicidal. I just don't want you to get hurt. Better safe than sorry. You know how paranoid I am.”

Changmin rolled his eyes and smirked, spirits slightly lifted. “Alright. Although, you helping me bathe? I don't know about that. You might get turned on by all I've got to offer and set yourself up for one hell of a fall.”

Yunho smiled gently and stepped up to Changmin, starting to pull his shirt over his head. Changmin lifted his arms to help.

“I'm good at falling,” he said in a soft voice. “I've had practice.”

Changmin went silent and his smirk slipped away. “I'm sorry,” he whispered. “I didn't mean to make you think about him.”

Yunho smiled a little brighter and patted Changmin on the head. “Come on. You can strip your own pants. I would do it, but I might magically find out that after years of definitely no attraction you suddenly... what was the term you used? Turn my crank?"

Changmin smirked again and started to unbutton his jeans.

Yunho walked out of the bathroom and into the living room, turning the stereo to the radio for some background noise. When he walked back into the bathroom, Changmin was already in the tub.

Yunho smiled and sat on the side of the tub. “Warm enough?” he asked, reaching out to slide his fingers through Changmin's still dry hair. Changmin smiled and nodded, playing with the bubbles Yunho had added as a joke. He seemed to enjoy them, though, so Yunho was glad he'd used them.

They sat there together for a while, talking and laughing as Yunho helped Changmin wash his back and hair. The radio played songs that they knew and songs that they didn't. Whenever it played a song they knew well they would sing it loudly together and Changmin would make fun of Yunho's voice, asking if he was sure he was a singer.

Neither of them were expecting it.

“ _...former members of Dong Bang Shin Ki, Kim Jaejoong, Park Yoochun and Kim Junsu have announced their new group, JYJ...”_

Yunho forgot to keep breathing. He stared at the tiled floor of the bathroom while the host talked. Slowly, he raised his head to look at Changmin.

His heart shot to his throat.

Changmin was shaking violently and hugging his arms as if he wanted to curl in on himself.

Yunho scrambled from the bathroom, bolting for the stereo. He turned it off with a final click and paused a moment to catch is breath.

He closed his eyes tightly and rested his forehead against the wall, attempting to reign in his emotions. He staggered back to the bathroom, not at all prepared for what he found.

“Changmin, stop!” he shouted, falling to his knees in front of the tub as he grabbed for Changmin's wrists. They were bloody, the bath water dyed red. Normally, when Yunho caught Changmin scratching, he would stop almost immediately. But this time he didn't. This time he fought.

Changmin thrashed and tried to fight free. Water splashed over the edge of the tub, soaking Yunho's shirt and pant leg. Changmin's nails were caked with blood and skin. It was like something from a horror film.

“Changmin, stop it!” Yunho grabbed Changmin around the middle and pulled him over the edge of the tub, out of the water and onto the tiled floor. He grabbed a fluffy towel while Changmin screamed and sobbed and squirmed to get away. He wrapped the towel around Changmin's naked form and pulled him close, holding him as he continued to fight.

Yunho was covered in blood and water and tears by the time Changmin calmed down enough for Yunho to carry him into his bedroom.

He sat Changmin down on the edge of his bed and brushed his hair out of his eyes, towelling him off. He patted down his arms with the already bloodstained towel and tossed it behind him. He reached for the beside table, taking a couple tissues and cleaning off Changmin's finger tips. He tried to keep his hands from shaking. He grabbed the white throw Changmin loved and wrapped him up tight.

Yunho moved to the closet and pulled out the first aid kit on the top shelf that Changmin kept there in case of emergencies. He pulled out some gauze and anti-bacterial cream. He knelt down in front of Changmin and looked up at him. Changmin had stopped screaming and sobbing but he still had silent tears rolling down his cheeks. Yunho leaned up and kissed his cheekbone softly, taking his wrists and gently treating them.

He stood again after Changmin's wrists were wrapped properly and moved back to the closet. He pulled out a pair of sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt to change into. He stripped quickly and changed out of his wet and bloody clothes.

Once he was done he sat down beside Changmin on the bed and pulled him into a sideways hug.

“Are you alright?”

Changmin slowly shook his head back and forth just the tiniest bit, as if movement at all was a task.

Yunho sighed and closed his eyes for a moment or two.

“Come on,” he said, moving back on the bed. “Lay down with me.

Changmin didn't say anything, just crawled over to the centre of his bed and curled into a tight ball, his legs pulled up and his chest pressed against the bed. His arms were held close, pulling the blanket around him more.

For someone so tall, Yunho wondered how he managed to make himself look so small.

Yunho wrapped an arm around Changmin's fluffy form and spooned behind him. He brushed his fingers through Changmin's damp hair slowly, trying to calm him enough so he could sleep.

“I want it to end,” Changmin whispered in the smallest voice. Yunho propped himself up on his elbow and looked down at him with a frown, his fingers still carding through his hair.

“Want what to end?” he asked gently.

Changmin closed his eyes and pressed his back closer to Yunho's chest.

“All of it.”

He didn't speak again that night.

* * *

“I can't believe you're making me do this.”

Changmin had never pouted so hard before. Yunho wasn't sure if he should laugh or hug him. He patted Changmin's shoulder as an in between.

“You have to get them looked at, Changmin, or else they might get infected.”

Yunho watched Changmin shuffle his feet on the white floor, hands gripping the edge of his chair. Yunho sighed and ruffled Changmin's hair.

“It'll be fine. They'll just clean them and get them wrapped properly. I don't trust my medical abilities.”

Yunho looked up when the nurse called Changmin's name. Yunho stood from his chair and took Changmin's hand, pulling him out of his seat so they could follow the nurse into one of the rooms in the clinic.

“The doctor will be with you soon,” she said sweetly, her eyes moving up and down Yunho's body. She blushed a little and turned to leave, shutting the door behind her. Yunho wondered if she was a fan.

“She's a fan,” Changmin said, reading Yunho's mind as he sat down on the stiff bed, the paper cover crinkling under him. “She'd carved Cassiopeia into the back of her clip board.”

Yunho smiled a little and sat down in the chair opposite Changmin.

“You know that when the doctor sees the marks, he's going to know you did it to yourself, right?”

Changmin stared at his wrists, the bandages covered by his long sleeves. He nodded slowly and dragged a hand through his hair.

“I know,” he said with a sigh. “He's probably going to recommend I go see a therapist. Already got that covered through.”

Yunho closed his eyes and sighed loudly, putting his head in his hands. He stayed that way until Changmin called his name. He peeked up at the younger man.

“Yunho... how are you?”

Yunho blinked a little in surprise at the question. “I'm... I'm fine, Changmin-ah,” he said with a small smile. “I'm just worried about you.”

Changmin frowned and glared at the floor. “I hate it when you lie,” he whispered softly. The doctor walked in before Yunho could say anything.

* * *

“Changmin, how many of those have you taken?”

Changmin looked up, the pill frozen halfway to his mouth. He looked down at the white pill in his hand and frowned.

“I don't know,” he said with a shrug. “A couple. My head hurts.” He sounded weird.

Yunho walked over to the couch and picked the pill bottle off the coffee table. He almost had a heart attack. He dropped the bottle and reached out, slapping the pill out of Changmin's hand before he could take it.

Changmin yelped softly in surprise and stared at Yunho in shock. Yunho picked the pill bottle off the floor and thrust it in Changmin's face.

“Changmin, this bottle was sealed this morning!” he shouted, starting to shake. He was terrified. “Fuck, Changmin, this is _Tylenol_. I bought this bottle yesterday, and it's fucking _empty."_

Changmin stared at Yunho, his mouth open a little, before looking at the pill bottle.

“I... oh my god,” he whispered, standing slowly and backing away. He looked down at his hands—which were trembling terribly. He stumbled a little as he backed himself up against the wall.

“Oh god, Yunho, I took the whole bottle?”

Yunho rushed over to him, wrapping his arms around Changmin before he could collapse. He was shaking so much that Yunho could barely keep a hold on him.

“Shh, it's okay, I know you didn't mean to.”

Changmin started to ramble, his words slurring a little.

Yunho kissed Changmin's temple and reached for the phone. Changmin saw his movement and grabbed his arm.

“No,” he said, his voice hitching. “Don't call... don't, no. I'll be fine. I'm fine. No.”

Yunho tried to shake Changmin's hands off gently. “Changmin, you've overdosed. You need to go to the hospital.”

“No!” Changmin shouted, grabbing Yunho's shirt and pulling him back when he started to move for the phone again. “Don't!”

“Changmin, stop fighting me, you're sick!”

Changmin shook his head quickly and tried to pull him away from the phone, which was on the small table beside the couch.

They struggled with each other for a minute or two, Changmin's movements sloppy and weak.

“Changmin, this is ridiculous, let me call the fucking ambulance!” Yunho shouted, his worry over Changmin's condition overriding his urge to comfort him.

“NO!” Changmin screamed, pushing Yunho hard in the chest. He fell backwards, not expecting the sudden burst of strength. He landed on the glass coffee table it with a crash.

It shattered under him, glass cutting his arms and back. He groaned softly, trying to push himself up onto his hands without stabbing himself on more glass. He looked up at Changmin, seeing the horror-struck look on his face.

“Changmin,” Yunho started but Changmin never let him finish.

Changmin tore from the room, running into the entrance hall and ripping the front door open.

“Changmin stop!” Yunho shouted after him, climbing out of the table's frame, not caring that he put his hand down on a piece of glass. He ran towards the door and into the hall. Changmin had already disappeared down the hall towards the stairs. Yunho watched the door to the stairwell swing closed slowly.

“Fuck,” he hissed, moving back into the dorm quickly to pull on his shoes.

* * *

“Hyung!” Yunho screamed, banging loudly on Super Junior's dorm door. Donghae opened the door and looked at Yunho in shock.

“Yunho!” he shouted, stumbling a little when Yunho pushed him out of the way so he could tear into the apartment. “What the hell happened to you!”

“Where's Heechul,” Yunho demanded loudly as more people filtered out of their rooms to check who was being so loud at 1 in the morning.

“I'm right here, wha—Oh my god Yunho! You're bleeding!”

Yunho was panting and sweaty and covered in his own blood from his still bleeding wounds.

“Hyung, I need your help. Fuck, I need everyone's help. I can't find him. Changmin ran off. He took an entire fucking bottle of Tylenol and ran off and he's not wearing any shoes and he should be in the hospital. I've been looking for him for an entire hour and I have no idea where he is.”

Yunho wrapped his arms around himself and tried not to hyperventilate.

Heechul was the first one to get over his shock. He put his hands on either side of Yunho's face, making him look him in the eyes.

“We're going to find him, alright?”

Yunho swallowed hard and nodded.

* * *

“Yunho!”

Yunho turned on the spot and ran as fast as he could in the direction that he'd heard Sungmin's voice from.

“Yunho I found him!”

Yunho skidded to a halt and dropped to his knees beside Sungmin, who was holding tightly onto Changmin's quaking form.

Changmin had his arms over his head, pulled tightly into the foetal position. Sungmin passed Changmin over to Yunho, who quickly pulled him close. Sungmin was already on his phone, calling for an ambulance.

“Changmin,” Yunho whispered, holding Changmin like his life depended on it. “Minnie, hey, look at me.”

Changmin just whimpered and shook in Yunho's arms. Yunho tried to calm his racing heart but he was more afraid than he'd ever been in his entire life.

 _Please be okay,_ he prayed silently, squeezing his eyes shut.

* * *

“I can't remember the last time we did this.”

Yunho rested his chin on Changmin's shoulders, arms wrapped around him from behind.

They were sitting on Changmin's hospital bed, Yunho sitting behind Changmin so Changmin could lean back against him.

Changmin shrugged, almost dislodging Yunho's chin. “I think it was back when we first debuted,” he said, clicking the remote to switch the channel of the tv which neither of them were really watching.

Yunho chuckled softly. “Yeah, before you became an anti-social prude.”

Changmin chuckled and put the remote down after turning the tv off.

Yunho's eyes flicked down to Changmin's wrist. He was wearing thick braces on his wrists so he couldn't hurt himself. His IV was stuck in a vain on the back of his hand. They'd gotten Changmin on the treatment fast enough that he didn't have any permanent damage, which Yunho was eternally grateful for, but he'd had to stay in the hospital for a couple days so that the medicine could work through his system. He had been close to severely damaging his liver.

Yunho jumped a little when Changmin tapped the top of his head. “What?” Yunho asked, lifting his chin from Changmin's shoulder so he could look at him.

Changmin was frowning at him. “You zone out like that a lot, you know.”

Yunho mimicked Changmin's frown. “What do you mean?”

Changmin rolled his eyes. “Do you not realize that you were staring into space for five minutes?”

Yunho blinked in surprise. “Five minutes?” he asked, tilting his head to the side. “It wasn't that long.”

Changmin pointed at the clock, letting Yunho know that it had, in fact, been five minutes.

Yunho furrowed his brow and stared at the bedsheets. “Oh, sorry. It didn't feel that long to me.”

Changmin smiled sadly.

“Yunho... have you... mourned them?”

Yunho looked at Changmin in surprise before he got defensive—and slightly angry.

“Changmin, they're not dead,” he said sharply, turning his gaze away so he glared at the wall instead of Changmin.

Changmin shook his head and grabbed Yunho's chin, turning his face back so he could meet Yunho's eyes.

“That's not what I mean,” he said softly. “I mean, have you mourned the loss of them? They're gone, Yunho. We're not _allowed_ to speak with them. We don't even know if they _want_ to speak to us. I have been mourning them this whole time. Very violently mourning them, and I don't recommend it, but I have been. I've _reacted_ to them not being here any more. You... you haven't. It's like it hasn't even fazed you and I _know_ that's not true. You need to let yourself be upset about this or else you'll wither. I tried to ignore it and look where it got me?”

Yunho thought about that for a moment, gently resting his chin back on Changmin's shoulder.

“I don't know,” he said softly, his anger faded. “I guess I've spent so much time worrying about you that I just... didn't have time to let myself be upset about it.”

Changmin sighed softly and nodded. “I figured as much,” he whispered, fiddling with the brace on his arm. Yunho reflexively grabbed his hand and pulled it gently away from his wrist.

“You need to get out of that habit,” he said softly, brushing Changmin's bangs out of his face and holding him tightly around the stomach.

Changmin nodded. “I know. I think that these things are actually a good idea. I guess subconsciously I liked the satisfaction that the scratching gave me. I don't get that any more with these things on. I almost went into a sort of withdrawal the other day.”

Yunho nodded his head against Changmin's shoulder. He'd been lucky enough to witness it. It had been rather... violent.

Changmin slid his finger across the stitches on Yunho's arm. He'd had several wounds from the accident with the table. He hadn't even realized how much pain he'd been in because he was so worried about Changmin until he got to the hospital and someone dragged him away so that he could be treated. Since Changmin was in the hands of the doctors, he allowed himself to relax a fraction but it had been enough to cause him to realize that, yeah, it really hurt getting stabbed by a million tiny daggers.

“You're getting discharged today,” Yunho said, drawing Changmin's attention back to his face. “Want to go get some dinner? We can get ice cream after. My treat.”

Changmin's face lit up. “I'd like that, hyung.”

Yunho had become closer to Changmin in the last couple days than he'd been to him in years. He loved Changmin. He would do anything for him. It was just the two of them now and it was going to be hard to get used to, but he knew that they could make it through this. Changmin was getting better—slowly, but he was. He couldn't scratch any more. He smiled more. Yunho had made a point that whenever he couldn't be beside Changmin in his hospital room, he would send over someone else; Kyuhyun or Minho or someone to keep him company. Yunho wasn't going to leave him alone until he was past this.

And he was going to get past this. They both would.

Together.

**Author's Note:**

> There was supposed to be another scene in here but I thought this was a good place to end. I've put these two through enough. Plus, the scene seemed completely random and out of character for Changmin. Not that he's really acting much like himself in this fic anyways. In the scene, something sets Changmin off and he kisses Yunho, asking him if that's what he wants if that is what will make him happy because he believes he's responsible for Yunho being sad. Yunho lost his true love and Changmin can see how much that is effecting him, even though Yunho can't. 
> 
> I've had this scene in my mind for so long that I just couldn't post this without sharing it. I couldn't find a place to put it in the fic where it would work, but I think I should share at least this much of it.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Changmin looked at Yunho with a strange, wild look in his eyes. Yunho opened his mouth to ask him if he was alright but Changmin surged forwards and planted his own lips over Yunho's. The kiss was quick and startling. Yunho jerked back almost instantly, looking at Changmin as if he'd gone mad.
> 
> "Changmin, what the hell?" he asked loudly. Changmin had tears streaming down his cheeks.
> 
> It's what you want, isn't it?" Changmin sounded hysterical. "You give me so much and all I do is take and I keep acting like this is all about me but it's not because you're hurting so much without him and if I could make you forget him I would be helping you, right?"
> 
> Yunho stared at Changmin with wide eyes.
> 
> "Changmin... no. And even if it would, you're straight."
> 
> Changmin looked so fragile. "So is a pencil until it brakes," he whispered, dangerously quiet.
> 
> Yunho felt his gut twisting at the analogy.
> 
> "Changmin, you don't need to do anything for me," Yunho said softly, pulling Changmin to his chest. "You've done enough already. Just being here is all I need from you. We're all we have left. I don't need you to be a lover to me, even if it were remotely possible on either of our parts. You're my Changmin, my maknae, and I love you."
> 
> * * *
> 
> I just wanted to share that. It's good to finally be able to put it out there so it's not swimming in my head any longer.


End file.
